When Help is Control in Nicer Clothing
Questions-
- Do you want help, company or space?
- How can I help you?
That’s the start of a healthy situation.
Healthy because the person who is over committed or overwhelmed actually realized they can’t do everything alone and they had the courage to ask for help. Being able to ask for help is a huge step for those who have always shouldered burdens alone.
Healthy for the potential helper because they are aware that help is only real help when you clearly define what the person is asking for before you start to do the work with their permission.
Helping is hearing what the other person would be doing if they could clone themselves to do multiple tasks simultaneously and then doing those things for them with no deviations.
They had the original vision. They have a plan. They have a schedule and an order in which things need to happen and they are asking because they need assistance to complete the steps to the finish.
They do not need you to reimagine the job at hand. They do not need you to ignore the procedure or the materials or the instructions while you take over and change things to your own specifications.
That is not offering help. That is taking control.
Now let’s be clear. If a person is asking for help and they do not know what the next steps are, they will say something to the effect of, “ I don’t know how to do this part.”
That is your opening to ask if it’s ok if you come up with a solution for the next step. That would be a clear ask where the planner would willingly relinquish control of that part of the larger plan to you, the helper.
But if they do have a plan and they just don’t have the time or enough hands to get it done, then any deviation from their plan to suit your own interpretation is not help. It is taking control.
When you take control without explicit permission, you are removing the other persons autonomy. You have removed their discretion, their freedom and their decision making by assuming that your way is the superior way and must be forced into implementation.
Example: Your husband goes through boxes of old clothing that you haven’t seen in a while. You had planned to go through them and make decisions about what should be kept, what should be thrown, sold or donated. Or what should be repurposed for its fabric or buttons, etc. The wife goes looking for the box. She has a need for an item she knows was in it only to find out that her husband had thrown the box into the trash and it’s now in a landfill somewhere.
He “thought” he was helping. He thought the basement needed to be cleared right now instead of staying with their original plan to process items in the spring during garage sale season. He had his own plan that he did not share wth his wife and he did not ask permission to dispose of her belongings.
This is not help. That is control. That is also a serious violation of privacy.
It’s bad enough when this happens once. But when the removal of someone’s autonomy in decision making has happened multiple times then you have set a precedent about whether you can be trusted around other people’s belongings.You have also demonstrated that you have no respect for the other person or their property.
As we enter the holiday season and our families and friends begin to plan multifaceted gatherings you will ether be a planner or a potential helper.
This isn’t the time to play junior therapist and psychoanalyze the planner’s perfectionist kink. There are things to do on a time schedule and piling on your compulsion to “fix” the planner while also controlling their autonomy is a recipe for disaster.
To the planner; be clear and realistic about what needs to be done to pull off the perfect day. Go old school and grab a pencil (they have erasers!) and paper and write down all the steps it will take to get from A to *collapse on the sofa after a job well done.* Note that you are one person and asking for help is not a character flaw. It’s a leadership skill.
To the helper; when you notice the planner appears frazzled and sounding more like a screech owl than a human take a moment to put your self in true help mode and not control mode. Then, ask the questions. Here they are again.
- Do you want help, company or space?
- How can I help you?
And now helper, here is the most important part. Really listen to the answers to those questions. Take every ounce of your self control and squash the part of you that is rising up from the depths of hell to release your control demon…again.
Simply follow the lead the planner gives you and all will be right with the world. Even if you think you know better. Even if it’s really, really hard to wrestle your impulses into submission.
Unless you don’t mind ending up with a Christmas tree shoved up where the sun doesn’t shine. Then, by all means, let your control demon loose to play. But be prepared to be on the receiving end of a retaliation that may leave your ego shredded and in the fetal position.
This bears repeating. Helping is hearing what the other person would be doing if they could clone themselves to do multiple tasks simultaneously and then doing those things for them with no deviations.
And we wonder why some people don’t ask for help.
